The Three Men I Admire Most
by Sorrow in Shadow
Summary: Rikku wonders about the meaning of her life, and also ponders hopelessly over a lost love.


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Disclaimer: I do not own FFX. that makes me sad.  


  
**The Three Men I Admire Most**

  
  
By Sorrow in Shadow

  
  
"Why?" she muttered, tossing in her dream-induced slumber. Her hands clutched at the silken sheets she was fortunate enough to lay upon. Ever since Yuna's world-saving debut, she was lavished with finery most Al Bhed either desired or laughed at. She popped up, breathing heavily, her blonde hair drenched in sweat.  


  
But she refused to notice that, or the wet stream trickling down her back, between her shoulder blades. "Stupid," she grumbled, falling back down upon her bed and trying to find sleep once more. She couldn't, and instead rose once more and made her way to the fancily ordained balcony just outside her room. Frowning became a priority. Her normally cheerful features were gone. Her happy demeanor dwindled down to upset or unkempt. It was after he left that she realized how much her day-long smile made her cheekbones hurt.  


  
Everyone made sacrifices, okay! She told herself, yet still refusing to believe it. It was over, Sin was gone. She still had a hard time believing it. The phrase: 'Damn the Al Bhed and their machina!' hadn't been uttered in her presence for a while. Too long a while. She felt like a ghost. She wanted to bite; to yell at someone for something. She wanted to kick someone's - anyone's - ass.  


  
Biting her bottom lip, she leaned over the balcony railing, surveying the sea and its rocks below. She knew what Wakka would say if he were there. 'Be careful! You might fall!' And Auron: '...' And, of course, him: 'Whatcha lookin' at?' She threw her head back and laughed. Her entire body shook with her raucous laughter, and its sound echoed off the rocks and back up to her.  


  
She stopped laughing and lowered her head again. Maybe she should just jump. She could hear it: her heart's painful screams and aching pain. Her weary limbs, her throbbing cheeks. Her smile had worn off its welcome on her face. She had been told so often that she talked too much... was too clingy. Auron had told her in his blunt fashion. 'You talk too much. Hold your tongue.'  


  
Then Wakka: 'Hey, little girl, it'll be okay. You don't need to hang onto my arm, ya?' And, of course, him: 'Heh heh heh heh heh. You're creeping me out!'  


  
She couldn't suppress another burst of laughter. So she was clingy. And she had a bad habit of interrupting others. At least, in her mind, she was plenty of woman! That was good. right?  


  
Peering down at the harsh rocks once more, she really did consider jumping. It was for him she had endured. Went to fight Sin.. for him, and for Yunie, of course. But, in the end, it was all the same. Everyone supported and sympathized with Yuna. Everyone loved Yuna. He loved Yuna. What about her? Wasn't she also worthy of love? With a sigh of sorrow, she glanced at the rocks and leaned over the rail further. If she died, why? Would it be for him? For her own sake? Or would it be for all of them? The three men she admired most.  


  
Sure, she had had a minor crush on Auron. His mysterious ways and unknown history were attractive to her. But then, of course, he was dead. That had been. a slight turn off. Then Wakka. She wanted, so badly, to consider him as a big brother. But, of course, she was Al Bhed. Wakka hated the Al Bhed. That doesn't mean he hates you! She scowled at her own thought. Shut up.  


  
Even if Wakka had been a potential crush, he was head-over-heels for Lulu anyway. She could tell, at least. She wished she could talk to someone, anyone, but there was no one who would understand. Yuna loved him. He loved Yuna. There was nowhere to fit in. Not in the love that bound everyone together. He was gone, and she wished he'd come back. Out of everyone, she counted him as her closest friend. Friend, and maybe something a little more. The possibility made her laugh again.  


  
Them? Together? With Yuna there? Yeah, right. Still, she wished he would come and hold her. "Forever...." she voiced as a brief afterthought. Her head shook as she gazed even more distractedly at the rocks below. What an awful death. How badly everyone would feel. But what was she doing? Self pity? That wasn't like her, she knew. It must've been.. all right, it was pity.  


  
She sneered as she overviewed her views on pity. Pity was something she hated, despised, even. Who wanted to be pitied? She imagined even the poor who took pity in coins from rich men's coffers were really saying, behind their blessings, 'Fuck you, you insolent bastard!' Being pitied was like being told you're weak. She scowled.  


  
Who wants that?  


  
She wished she could have Auron's knowledgeable insight. Wakka's discipline. And His mysterious charm, no matter how ignorant He was. She smiled. Here was to the three men she admired most.  


  
There was nothing left to feel anymore. She had wasted - no, spent - her love on Him. On Tidus. But Tidus was gone now, and he wasn't coming back. He had returned to Zanarkand. His Zanarkand.  


  
Where did she belong?  


  
A gust of wind blew roughly against her blonde locks, making them flicker as if they were lights. She remembered Brother, and Cid, and the Al Bhed. Their language, Her language. Tidus had known it too. She cursed.  


  
She loved him. She loved Tidus. Always in her memory there had been his charming smile, his easy-going manner, and his selfless demeanor. She was in love with everything about him. But she could never have him. He was gone forever. He had loved Yuna... hadn't he? Growling another oath through gritted teeth, she clenched her small hands into fists and resisted the urge to scream.  


  
The pain she felt was immense. She was... third wheel. Auron was dead, not even a living man. Wakka was Lulu's, even if she ever could consider him as more than a friend. And Tidus was gone. He was claimed by Yuna, and he was gone. Nothing, in her current mental state, was worse than the pain she felt. She loved Tidus so much, so desperately, that's she'd do anything possible to human thought to have him. Anything! And he didn't even know. he loved Yuna. The pathetic - though it made her slightly guilty to think such things - Summoner whose power lay in her aeons. Now she was a Gunner. But that was hardly different.  


  
Pain is a feeling. She felt it, lord, she felt it. "Redrum.... redrum.... take me away. Redrum, redrum.... don't let me stay. Redrum, redrum, for another day. Until I can say.... goodbye," she sang softly, her retching sobs cutting into the melody of her voice.  


  
The anguish of knowing that no matter how much she loved him, he would always return to Yuna. Her heart was nothing, and she could never be more than a friend. A woman. But not the woman. Still, she would always be his woman, no matter what everyone else, Tidus included, thought.  


  
An idea popped into her mind. She raced into her fancily adorned bedchamber, received a piece of paper and a pen, and sketched something down in large letters. She clutched the note tightly in her ungloved hand, uttering a vanquished sob of despair. It was for unattainable love, unwanted separation, and reminder that death is not the end.  


  
For the three men she admired most.  


  
She felt the blood rush to her head as she plummeted towards the rocks. Away from an uninvited life of politics and finery. Away from the women who held their men to their hearts and received the loves of their lives. Away from magic that could no longer work on her. Away from family who saw situations in black and white. Away from everything, and maybe, just maybe, into a life of dreams in Zanarkand.  


  
As she felt the impact of her small body against the sharp points beneath, she smiled.  


  
~  


  
When Yuna came into her cousin's bedchambers early the next morning, she uttered a scream. Hours later the small, limp, tangled form of the Al Bhed girl's body was hulled away by Wakka, Lulu, and Kimahri while Yuna sobbed her heart out.  


  
Wakka fingered her hand gently, his eyes downcast and red. He felt a crumpled, damp wad of paper between her fingers and her palm. Removing it carefully, Wakka read the last words of his friend.  


  
Scrawled onto the shred of paper were these words: UP TO THIS DAY I STILL DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO ME. HE SEEMED SO REAL. AND HE WAS A DREAM. MY DREAM, BUT NOT MY REALITY. HE WILL BECOME SOMEONE ELSE'S REALITY, BUT HE WILL ALWAYS STAY MY DREAM.  


  
"Oh...." Wakka covered his eyes with a rough brown hand. "Rikku...." 


End file.
